48 Hour Challenge: Don't Wear a Binder

Okay, okay, it hasn't been 48 hours, yet, but this is day two of not wearing a binder at all.

I've decided to try this fun game where I ignore my gender dysphoria and refuse to wear a binder even when my brain instructs me to.

"But people will notice your bust!" my brain cries.

Nearly every girl is convex in that area, and in most girls, the bust is noticeable. And since I do not wear skin-tight clothing to reveal the shape of it, I am no more likely to be stared at in that area than other girls.

Besides, I'm not going to let other people's view of my body dictate what I wear. That has never been the sole anxiety of my gender dysphoria.

"But if you look down, you'll see the surface area of your chest sticking out!" my brain stabs deeper.

Then don't look down, stupid.

I'm very hard on myself when it comes to taking charge of anxiety or motivation. I know most therapists would encourage you to "coddle" yourself as you prepare yourself to take the next step in reaching normalcy. In fact, if I were talking to anyone other than myself, I would stress, "Don't beat yourself up too hard."

But I don't reserve the same courtesy for myself. I want to get over my gender dysphoria now. 

Being hard on yourself is unhealthy. But I'm not being hard on myself. I'm being hard on my brain.

You are not your brain. Your brain is an organ inside your skull that regulates though processes, emotions, nervous system, and endocrine system. Usually, these emotions and thought processes work in sync with reality. But gender dysphoria is one of those cases in which your thought processes and emotions do not work in sync with reality.

For instance, my brain insists that I need to wear a binder or else it will send me anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation. These emotions are real, but they have no basis in reality. Going outside without a binder will not kill me. In fact, I am heading closer to spinal deformity by wearing a binder regularly.

I discuss this in "Compulsive Overexercising." When you have a mental illness, your mind becomes your biggest bully, and the best way to stand up to the bully is to stand up to it. Be firm with your brain. When it tells you to do something your better judgment knows will hurt you, whether it be self-harm, starving yourself, wearing a binder, getting a surgery, etc., tell your brain you won't. 

I know it's not as easy as that. I'm not pretending that your mental illness is something you can just say "no," too. But as long as I'm in some control over what my thoughts are feeding me, I'm going to fight them until they become weaker.

I am not necessarily encouraging you to follow my advice for this blog post. But I do want you to consider your brain a separate entity from yourself. A toxic friend that lives with you and follows you around 24/7. You need to learn to get along with it, but you can't let it control you, especially when it lies to you about your body and the world.